Start Spreadin' the News

After what feels like a lifetime of agonizing, Wife and I have decided upon our next step: we are staying in New York City. I have orally accepted an offer at a major law firm here in the city.

Already, we see several questions popping up. To keep our massive fan base informed, we offer this helpful “frequently asked questions” (FAQ).

Please note: I wrote this hoping to be funny while providing some information on our plans – I’m afraid the intended humorous tone might be lost on some. Read this assuming it is a joke.

Question: Why did you pick New York City?

Answer: Because it is the greatest city in the world.

Question: No, seriously. Why New York City?

Answer: Because it is the legal, business, fashion, and social capital of America, if not the world. There is no better place for me to practice law anywhere. There is no better place for Wife to pursue her career. Moreover, I received an exceptional offer from one of the world’s leading firms. Wife and I will be working mere blocks from each other in one of the most exciting areas of the world. While we do not know what the future holds, we do know that this is an amazing opportunity for us.

Question: Did you have any other options?

Answer: Yes, we had a surprising number of options. In the last few weeks, it became obvious that we could end up anywhere we really wanted. We decided that New York City was for us.

Question: If you remain in New York will you become arrogant, condescending, and rude?

Answer: Of course we will, you moron. What a stupid question.

Question: Did your bagel addiction play any role in your decision?

Answer: Yes, I really didn’t want to find myself in the same position as Linda: driving hours to get gouged for a decent bagel. Of course, I was impacted not only by the bagels, but also the cheesecake and falafels. And, of course, the NYC pizza is the best in the world.

Question: Did you really think this through?

Answer: Umm…do you know us? We have stacks of spreadsheets and lists of pros and cons. Altogether, we have invested hundreds of hours of discussion and contemplation in this decision.

Question: So, are you going to take the subway everyday?

Answer: The subway will be our primary means of transportation. It will be wonderful. And for the liberal, tree-hugging hippies, let me point out that Wife and I will have an itty-bitty carbon footprint. I challenge you to find anyone who lives “greener” than we do.

Question: What will you do at your new law firm?

Answer: I have been offered an amazing opportunity to specialize in an area I find extremely exciting. The explanation is rather complex, and definitely beyond the scope of this blog.

Question: I heard that you will be representing professional athletes. Is this true?

Answer: No, not really. We are the leading sports law firm in the world, but it is not athletes we primarily represent. Think that through for a moment and you will realize whom we must represent.

Question: What law firm will you be working at?

Answer: Of course I’m not going to post the answer to that question on the blog.

Question: Is it a big law firm?

Answer: Yes, it is one of the biggest in NYC.

Question: So, is it just a New York firm?

Answer: No, it is an international law firm.

Question: I heard that NYC lawyers in big firms work long hours. Is this true?

Answer: Yes. On my first day, I will be issued a computer, passwords to the research databases, a Blackberry, and a cot next to my desk to sleep on.

Question: So, why don’t you try to get transferred to city X?

Answer: Maybe someday we will have an interest in leaving NYC, but right now we are committed to staying here. If we wanted to be in city X, I would have just accepted a position there.

Question: Now that you are a New York City lawyer, will you give me free legal advice?

Answer: No.

Question: Where will you live?

Answer: Good question, but we don’t really have an answer to yet. With the schedule we will be keeping, we would like as short a commute as possible so our focus is on Manhattan. We would also prefer not to need to pledge our firstborn, so finding housing could be a challenge. Midtown would be nice for the location; we both love Greenwich Village; our money will stretch farther in the Financial District; Brooklyn, Queens, and Long Island City are still in consideration. Don’t worry, Wife has plenty of spreadsheets with various options.

Question: Are you going to move to Connecticut?

Answer: Maybe someday, but we are not looking there now.

Question: Isn’t the cost of living horrendous in New York?

Answer: Yes, the cost of living is extremely high. But the primary reason for that is the cost of housing. The housing costs will be partially offset by the cheap transportation.

Question: So, will you see many Broadway shows?

Answer: Yes. We plan to be frequent patrons of not only Broadway shows, but also the opera.

Question: Are you worried about crime in New York?

Answer: No. While we do try to avoid stupid or reckless behavior that would make us a target of crime, Wife and I agree that we feel safer in New York than in almost any where else we have been.

Question: Have you found a church?

Answer: Well, yes and no. We have been active in a church since we arrived in New York City. Wife and I agreed that this was a great church for our nine months in New York, but probably not a church we would attend if we moved here. Now, we will be giving careful consideration to finding our permanent church home. Or maybe I will just start a new church.

Question: Will you become a Knicks fan?

Answer: Not as long as James Dolan runs the team and Isiah Thomas is on the payroll.

Question: Will you become a Yankees fan?

Answer: Yes. We already invested in matching “his” and “her” Yankee caps. I have a black cap, and Wife has a pink one. We would post a picture of us with our matching headwear, but this is an anonymous blog.

Question: Is it driving you crazy that Laker home games don’t start until 10:30 p.m. EST and end until 1:00 – 2:00 a.m. EST?

Answer: Yes. Unfortunately, I will never get to see the end of a Laker home game again. If that is the worst part of NYC, I suppose we could deal with it.

Question: Will you miss Wal-Mart?

Answer: Yes, we do miss Wal-Mart, but Costco partially compensates for our loss.

Question: Is Wife ever going to post on this blog again?

Answer: Your guess is as good as mine.