Birthing Center Tour and Class

Back in undergrad, I remember a kindly old professor who would frequently say, "There's no such thing as a stupid question." That sounds so nice, but it's just wrong.

Later a grad school professor commented, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots." I thought that was pretty good at the time, but it's also wrong.

The truth is that there are stupid people and they ask really stupid questions.

Why am I so jaded? Well, I spent the last two hours at the hospital in a birthing class and getting a tour of all the facilities at the world-renowned birthing center at the hospital where Baby Girl is anticipated to make her grand entrance.

I should have realized how the evening was going to go as we waited for the tour to begin. In the waiting room, there were twenty chairs. There about thirty people, equally divided between pregnant women and their male counterparts. Hmmm....how should we divide these 20 seats among these 30 people? My vote is that the fifteen pregnant women and the five most pathetic looking men get to sit. Unfortunately, nobody asked me. I was the only man standing whose wife/girlfriend got to sit. Every other man who had the opportunity to grab a seat did so, totally oblivious to the uncomfortable women about to pop all around them.

Most irritating was the couple who grabbed the couch designed to seat five or six. The guy threw his backpack on one couch cushion, the woman put a shopping bag and her purse on another. They then both put their feet up and relaxed for fifteen minutes. They proceeded to completely ignore the pregnant women who walked up and stared at the bags, hinting that they would like to sit. And I should mention that the woman whose feet had to be up and whose purse couldn't touch the floor was the only women in the room that didn't look pregnant.

I thought everything would improve once the program started (and it did improve), but about a third of the people started asking questions and just wouldn't stop. Sometimes listening to questions and answers can be extremely informative...this was not one of those times.

My favorite question was asked by the woman who kept talking on her cell phone thoughout the evening, "Can I bring my three year old into the delivery room with me?" Ummm...seriously?

To my shock, the answer was a qualified, "Yes." With the doctor's approval, a child may be present for the birth, but there must be another adult present to help care for the child. The woman went off. What if her husband doesn't get there fast enough? What if he can't leave work? She was furious that she needed another adult there to watch her other kid as she gave birth to the new one.

Right on the top of the first sheet of paper they gave us, it said in sixteen point font, "Private rooms cost an extra $1,000 for each night. Unless there is a medical reason, insurance will not cover this cost." The woman mentioned this within the first few minutes of the program. How many times would you think people raised their hand and asked how much a private room costs? Four. How many more times did people ask if insurance would cover it? Two.

How do we ensure we have a birthing room with good cell phone access? (cell phones aren't allowed in the birthing rooms)

But what if I really, really want to talk my cell phone on the phone? (sorry, cell phones and communication devices must be off)

Ok, I get the no cell phone thing. Can I use my iPhone to send email? (no)

My Blackberry doesn't have a voice plan - can I send emails with it? (no)

Can I bring DVDs to watch in the hospital room's tv? (no)

Can I bring a portable DVD player? (yes)

Can I listen to my iPod while I am in labor? (yes)

Can I bring speakers for my iPod? (yes)

Can I bring a stereo? (only if it doesn't need an outlet)

Wait, if she can use her iPod, can I use my iPhone? (no, absolutely no cell phones or communication devices in the birthing area)

I've heard a rumor that some nurses don't allow you to use a cell phone in the room, is this true? (yes)

After I give birth can the baby stay in the room with me? (yes)

After the birth, I want to sleep, would you take the baby away so I can rest? (yes)

After you take my kid away, could you make sure that there aren't any other babies in the rooms around me so I can sleep? (no)

If there is a kid in the room next to me preventing me from sleeping, can I switch rooms? (no). But what if there is an empty room down the hall? (no). You must not have understood, what if I want to sleep and there is a baby in the room next to me but there is another empty room that nobody is in - you'll let me switch, right? (no). But what if I can't sleep? (get used to it)

Will you change the baby's diapers for me at the hospital? (yes)

But what if I want to change the diaper? Could I do it? (yes)

Are Nokia cell phones ok to use? (no)

What time are visiting hours over for semi-private rooms? (10 pm) Is it strictly enforced? (not really) So, can we just agree right now that my husband can spend the night if he wants to? (no)

Ok...enough venting.

Despite the fact that some people are annoying, it was a good evening. We like the hospital. We like the staff we met. We like the choices that the hospital gives us in the birthing process. Now we need to start making decisions.

Best of all might have been as we walked through the halls where we saw babies that were just hours old. It is pretty amazing to realize that soon we will be looking at a little girl that looks something like that, only much cuter, who is part of us.